Quiet the noise; Be You!

Welcome to A Redeemer's Heart. Life has surely taken us through some things. Some of the events leave us with scarred, marred hearts. We are grateful for Christ. He truly has a way of mending what has been broken, and making it new. If you truly desire it, he will give you a redeemer's heart. This is a space of truth. Not all truths hurt. Some are sweet, profound and life changing. It's always important to find your truth and glean in it.

Quiet the noise

These past seven years, I have grown extremely quiet. Quiet with my prayers. Quiet about my discontentment, shortcomings, as well as my victories and personal achievements. I didn’t lose my voice; I just gave up the constant fight to be me. I had grown to dislike the bold and unapologetic woman that I had grown to be.

Constant criticism

As a child I faced constant criticism. I was labeled as mean, had too much mouth, and complicated. I was always hit with the “oh that’s just how Brittany is.” Those childhood critiques followed me into adulthood, and the descriptive words just became fancier. I delivered unbridled truths; I was considered contentious and tough. I got so caught up in everyone’s views and opinions of me that I began to pray to God that He change me. I questioned His purpose in making me the way that I was. I began to dig deep into my childhood to discover what produced my identity. I was raised by a single black woman, which had its idiosyncrasies that show up throughout my life, yet it shaped me into a grounded and courageous woman.

I thought that an acceptable and favored woman was soft, kind, and only spoke words that flowed like honey. My idea of a great woman was one who was loved and celebrated by many. I have experienced many sweet-spirited “lady-like” women and felt that I was so far from that image that I had created my ideal self to be. It turns out that I possess all of those “ideal” characteristics. However, those characteristics have been buried underneath years of living life in defense and survival mode.

Childhood trauma

The truth is I suffered from childhood trauma and those experiences have made me tough, strong, resilient, and hard. None of those characteristics make me any less desirable, likeable, or less of a woman. I cannot change what has or hasn’t happened to and for me, but I can embrace the parts of me that trauma has shaped me to be. I am both soft and hard, weak and strong. For the past few months, I have struggled to embrace the childhood version of myself. As I sit in this moment, I realize what my

therapist has been trying to say for the past two or three sessions. She kept telling me that I needed to become one with my inner child. I’m rolling my eyes as I type this. I struggled with self-acceptance for many years, and I discovered that I had been annoyed with the idea of childhood trauma showing up in my adulthood and shaping my decisions and thought process.

While on a prayer line one night, God spoke to me. He told me that He made me this way. It was in that moment that I felt freed from the almost seven years of silence I experienced. I was unburdened by the thoughts and opinions of others. I started to rest in who I am, exactly the way I am, and not just the pretty “soft” Brittany. I stopped apologizing for being myself, and became proud of who I am. I ascertained that here I am with this business named “Bee You,” and I was only embracing the half of me

that I “liked.” I got it now.

Self-Acceptance

It’s not about becoming one with childhood Brittany but accepting the ways that she has taught me how to be an adult. Childhood Brittany was too young to parent me. Yet young Brittany instilled a tactfulness in my character that allowed me to learn how to let people go when appropriate and accept people for who they are without judgement or the desire to change them. I have learned how to love extremely hard and my cut off game is top tier. I have embraced the pureness of my heart and leaned into the discernment that I doubted. Little Brittany isn’t the bad guy in any of this. She is to be loved and celebrated for who she has raised me to be.

I encourage you to quiet the noise and be yourself no matter what it looks like. If some things are undesirable, ask God to show you how He sees you and to refine you as necessary. Psalms 139:13-14 says “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well”. 

It is well with my soul, and I know it very well.