New Skin

What I have learned in my journey to NEW SKIN, is that I have to do the internal work to see the external results. Even when things don’t seem like they’re improving, you have to stay committed.

Welcome to A Redeemer's Heart. Life has surely taken us through some things. Some of the events leave us with scarred, marred hearts. We are grateful for Christ. He truly has a way of mending what has been broken and making it new. If you truly desire it, he will give you a redeemer's heart. This is a space of truth. Not all truths hurt. Some are sweet, profound and life changing. It's always important to find your truth and glean in it.

I Tried

For many years, I didn’t feel like I was a part of anyone or of anything. I had tried so many different things to become comfortable in my skin. I was deemed the weirdo in school, and I felt like the “black sheep” of my family. For the longest time it made me self-conscious. I struggled with who I was, and who I wanted to be. I was the daughter of an emotionally absent mother. I was merely surviving and navigating through the invisible effects of emotional neglect.

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Now before you get started with your mouth and thoughts, allow me to explain. This is not a blog post to bash my mom. I do not fault my mom for how she raised me and how she shows up in my life currently. She was a single mother of three girls, a full -time student, and a full-time employee. She was literally burning her candle from both ends. I think the pressure of motherhood with absent fathers was traumatic for her. My mom simply did the best she could with what she had been given from her mother. The cycle of emotional absence was literally repeated. I didn’t realize this and didn’t accept it until about a year ago.

Okay, now back to what I am trying to say.

Blame Game

I spent many years resenting my mother and blaming her for the skin I was in. I blamed her for the insecurities, the toxic relationships, mismanaged money and all of the mistakes I had ever made. I blamed her for the lack of female relationships that I was able to form. I blamed her for the trust issues. I blamed her for the unrealistic expectations that I held my friends to. I always had a fear that I would be abandoned. I blamed her for the inability to connect with my daughter after she had gotten older.

It was in a session of therapy that I realized that I was responsible for ME! It was up to me to break the cycle and to raise the inner little girl that kept rising up and harming my womanhood.

For years, I was just stuck in my skin because the comfort of chaos was my sweet spot.

Hindsight is always 20/20. I know, I know, how cliche?! But for real, I was literally operating from a place of trauma. The feelings of unworthiness, rejection, and disempowerment had become my master.

Therapy

I’m telling y’all therapy will have you unboxing things from the darkest allies of your heart. I had people in my life who added to the low self-esteem I had already owned. I allowed them to deposit new deficiencies into my internal self-sabotage bank. The overflow had me hiding from myself. People would always mention something about my flawed skin or how I dressed. I was willing to do anything to be accepted and a part of someone or something. When you have issues from childhood trauma, they will come back around in your adulthood.

Ya’ll I spent my entire life trying to be “good” enough for my mom. The way some of my relationships paralleled with that of my mother was asinine. I was so stuck in this skin that it stifled me for years. I never felt pretty or even worthy of anything more than the passive-aggressive nuances aimed at my intelligence or physical characteristics. I was lost and wanted so desperately to be found. No matter how much I tried to push past barriers, the residue remained.

The saddest part of all of this is that I carried around this baggage for years and even allowed it to make its way into my marriage and unpack itself neatly into every nook and cranny of my heart. I allowed the baggage to rob me of boundaries behind the chair. I was afraid to say ‘no’ because I wanted to be accepted and liked from behind the chair. I allowed this baggage to rob me of celebrating accomplishments that I worked hard to achieve. I never wanted to be “better” than anyone. I had a collapsed sense of myself. In my skin, I didn’t feel like I had the right to thrive, to be treated with respect or be well cared for.

Don’t get lost. I am about to take a left in this story.

Adult Acne

My physical skin got terrible after the birth of my second child. I developed adult acne. I didn’t wear sunscreen to protect my skin from the sun. I popped pimples and picked the scabs. I knew that all of these things would end up scarring my skin. I tried different skin care lines and spent crazy money to get my skin together. Nothing worked. It got to the point that I didn’t give eye contact when I talked, because all I could think about was how uncomfortable I was in my skin. The crazy thing is, I did all of the external work, but never stopped to figure out what was wrong internally. I was sabotaging my own skin with my unhealthy diet and skincare practices.

You have to get to the root of an issue and kill it in order to see the results externally. Dairy, sugar, and yeast wreak havoc on my skin. I have to avoid those things or have them in moderation to continue to see the improvement in my skin. I also had to seek professional help. I started seeing an esthetician. I follow her prescribed regimen to a “T.” It was so hard to leave my acne alone. I would literally ice the bumps so that they would be healed and not spread bacteria to my healthy skin. It took 3 months to truly see results, but I stayed committed.

Journey to NEW SKIN

What I have learned in my journey to NEW SKIN, is that I have to do the internal work to see the external results. Even when things don’t seem like they’re improving, you have to stay committed. When I first started therapy a couple of years ago, I felt worse than I did before sitting on that couch. I felt like my heart had shattered in millions of pieces. I had to avoid my mom, so that I could heal. When I was strong enough, I had to tell her what was in my heart. Once I let it out, I spent time alone to heal. I didn’t want that pain to spread to any other area of my life.

I find in my time behind the chair that women see, and know what holds them back from NEW SKIN. They just do not want to do the work and cut the necessary ties to move forward. They enjoy the comforts of pretty misery and continue to expect results from unchanged behavior. I want to shove everyone into therapy and I want to force a relationship with Christ on everyone. I do however understand that NEW SKIN is a commitment. You have to be willing to do the work, and avoid the things that will wreak havoc on your growth.

The NEW SKIN

This NEW SKIN has taught me so many things about myself. As new issues arise in my life, I have to learn to forgive quickly so that my heart can stay pure. I have to recognize narcissism, self-doubt, jealousy, and misery. I have to avoid those things if I want to continue to live in my NEW SKIN. I have to stay in my word, and pray for those around me. I cannot indulge in toxic conversations, negativity, and dwell in environments that go against the care plan of my NEW SKIN. For all of the time and money that I put into this skin, you won’t catch me indulging in anything that will derail my progression. I still have so much work to do, but my cheeks and chin are clearer, and my heart has more love in it. I am more comfortable in my skin. I find joy in the “small” victories. I truly am, who I am, and that makes me happy. There isn’t a quest to find “me.” The quest is to continue to find things that enhance who God has designed and called me to be.

The journey is to continue to regenerate NEW SKIN.