Refiner's Fire

If you're still allowing trauma to rob you, it's time to do the work. Anger will steal your joy.

Welcome to A Redeemer's Heart. Life has surely taken us through some things. Some of the events leave us with scarred, marred hearts. We are grateful for Christ. He truly has a way of mending what has been broken and making it new. If you truly desire it, he will give you a redeemer's heart. This is a space of truth. Not all truths hurt. Some are sweet, profound and life changing. It's always important to find your truth and glean in it.

Life's Playing Tricks

Recently, I’ve felt like life was playing tricks on me. I was putting in the work emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally but so often it felt like my efforts were in vain. I tried to improve my attitude. I checked my facial expressions and added honey to my words. I had even started to listen and process someone else’s words before responding, but it always felt like I was caught in the crossfire of their internal battle. I felt like I was just a casualty in their war of good and evil. This uncertainty and frustration almost led me back to the older version of myself… a distant acquaintance that I was not eager to return to, but the old me would disengage and protect herself. It was tempting.

I spent days and weeks pondering where I went wrong on my journey to better myself. Maybe the work I had been doing wasn’t the right work. Maybe, just maybe, I was the problem. I spent more time on my knees praying and crying to God about the lack of response from those around me. How could they not take notice of my internal change? How could the world around me still feel the same when I felt so different? I was taking insults from loved ones on the chin. I was turning the other cheek when those who should have supported me didn’t. I was responding with love to those who hurt me deeply. I even prayed for the ones who I thought were friends who betrayed my kindness.

Life just burns!

I eventually realized that sometimes, life just burns. It’s not about how the world responds to me. It’s about how I respond to the world. I almost threw away all of my progress when those close to me failed to comment on my newfound peace. I craved for people to notice my growth. I knew I was in trouble when I actually considered reverting back to my old ways and old habits.

Y’all want to know what I did? I. shut. down. I know… trauma response. I was determined to keep all of my sweet goodness to myself.

Not too long ago

It wasn’t too long ago that I really had my first explosive outburst with my husband. I went from zero to a hundred because I felt like I wasn’t being seen or heard. His response wasn’t what I expected. He didn’t respond in anger like I had hoped. He sat quietly and let me finish, got up, and walked away. I wanted a reason to spew all of the fire that was brewing beneath the surface. The fire that was never put out from years of childhood trauma that was so deep that I couldn’t see or feel it.

I’m not sure if any of you have worked with a gas stove but there is a pilot within the stove. The pilot light is a small gas light meant to burn continuously in order to light a larger burner when needed, but it may go out if a draft extinguishes the light, its valve is dirty, or the thermocouple (the safety device that shuts off the gas to the appliance when it detects no pilot light) is faulty (Ullman).

It all clicked!

It then clicked; I had done the work but I had just scratched the surface. I put my burners out because I was done cooking with anger and frustration. It was exhausting and it harmed those that I loved. I was burning them with anger that they didn’t deserve. I decided to change. I started spewing love to everyone I could because I truly believe love heals. What I didn’t realize was that my pilot of anger was still very well lit. If you pushed me hard enough, I exploded. The burners may have been turned off but there was still a raunchy smell of gas that followed me everywhere I went. I got accustomed to the smell, so I truly forgot that it was a problem that needed to be fixed.

I KEPT going...

People mishandled me and I kept going. People started buying audacity at an all-time low and they used it on me. I continually turned the other cheek and walked in love. Little did I know, that allowing people to mishandle me without properly checking them, would feed to the pilot of anger that was already brewing. It wasn’t that people weren’t responding to who I have grown to be, it was that I wasn’t teaching them how to handle who I’ve grown to be.

I cannot be any better than I am until the fire of Christ consumes every part of me. In order to truly put out my pilot of anger, I must go through the refiner’s fire. This fire is one that burns all of the impurities from your character. The refiner’s fire comes with many tests and the temperatures can be quite unbearable. The greatest thing about the refiner is that even when you feel like life’s burn is too much to handle, you come out fully polished without imperfections. He completely protects you from the fire while He does his work.

On my journey to emotional wellness, I understand that some character flaws can only be fixed by the refiner’s fire. I pray that if you struggle with anger as I do, that His fire consumes you and that your pilot of anger is extinguished.

Reference:

Ullman, M. (n.d.). How to: Light a Pilots Light. Retrieved from https://www.bobvila.com/articles/how-to-light-a-pilot-light/