Settling into His love

I’ve been on such a journey to discover all of the self-sabotaging and gaslighting that I’ve done to myself over the years. I have been going back to all of the love that I refused over the years. Love that I felt I didn’t deserve.

Welcome to A Redeemer's Heart. Life has surely taken us through some things. Some of the events leave us with scarred, marred hearts. We are grateful for Christ. He truly has a way of mending what has been broken and making it new. If you truly desire it, he will give you a redeemer's heart. This is a space of truth. Not all truths hurt. Some are sweet, profound and life changing. It's always important to find your truth and glean in it.

Sit still

As life gets busier and sleep deprivation starts to take its toll, I sit still. The weekdays are so hectic and full of the hustle and bustle of everyone in the world doing life at once. Traffic gets congested, the Starbucks line stays wrapped, and my phone is always in need of a charge. Often times, I wonder how in the world do I manage this season of life?

Jonathan would hear me complain and cry and he’d say “Babe you’re not by yourself.” I heard what he was saying but it didn’t really sink in. I’d navigate through life like normal. I was a single mom for a long time. Some of the trauma from the experience is still engraved into my heart. At times I would catch myself moving around and not properly communicating with my husband. I’d be struggling with something and wouldn’t even think to ask for help.

On my own

Marriage isn’t the easiest thing to settle into. I was so used to doing everything on my own. I kept forgetting that I had help. I went from doing whatever I desired whenever I wanted, to let me check with my husband. The adjustment took me some time to accept. Believe me – I’m rough around the edges. Thank God my husband has known me forever. He truly loves me for who I am.

He would tell me all of the time that I had a problem with control and staying in my place. Boy, first of all, no one even asked you. Second, don’t be pushing me down with the truth. But, then I had an epiphany. The feelings of being overwhelmed and all over the place came from trying to lead in two roles. I had reverted back into the role of the single mother trying to handle and juggle everything on my own.

So grateful

I wasn’t giving my husband the chance to lead or to be the man in our home. I’m so grateful for his unending patience for me to get my life together. I’ve taken a back seat to a few things and this allows him to lead. I am reminding myself daily to give him opportunities to lead, to make me feel less like an “I” and more like a “we.”

I’ve been on such a journey to discover all of the self-sabotaging and gaslighting that I’ve done to myself over the years. I have been going back to all of the love that I refused over the years. Love that I felt I didn’t deserve. My good friend Keina told me a few years ago that I deserved to be loved and that I deserved the love of my husband. When she said it to me, I didn’t understand.

Settling into LOVE

As the days pass and I choose to settle into this love, I now understand exactly what she meant. I’ve been revisiting old friendships and using my healed eyes to assess them. I’m learning every day that I deserve love. I’ve also vowed to always give love because people deserve it.

Love is freeing. It’s healing, ever-flowing, nourishing… it is life.

The more that I hold close to my family and friends the more I realize that I must continue to settle into this love around me. I’m very deserving of it. I’m still healing and it’s been beautiful.

I pray that you guys know that God’s love is not only constant – it’s consistent. Stop running from love and allow it to consume your heart and heal you. Every person, man, friend, or family member is not out to get you. There are still angels in this world and God sends them your way to remind you of His precious love. Get comfortable and settle into His love.